Hit or Miss

Over the last few weeks, I've continued to have seizures & am at 29 weeks gestation. Some episodes are with muscle involvement, some without. Confusing to say the least. The seizures with muscle involvement are worse simply because the muscles get so taxed during an episode & the recovery takes a bit longer. Seizures without muscle involvement are just bizarre.

It's hard to explain & understand. I've been searching for a better explanation of the no-muscle spasm ones. The best I can come up with is that it is like my body has a very heavy curtain of fatigue descending down over me, weighing me down. The fatigue sort of builds - not super fast, but fast enough that when it starts I know I have to lay down ASAP or I feel like I'm going to fall down/crash. Trying to struggle through the fatigue curtain is like wading in quicksand that is just about to totally engulf me.

I try not to push through the "curtain" but there are times when it is unavoidable, especially as a mom. One day last week I was feeling pretty good. Balancing good days & flare-ups is a skill & one that is very hard to master! So, I paced myself that morning knowing that I'd have to save some energy for my oldest in the afternoon, especially if nap time was sleepless. Their in the process of dropping the last one & that comes with very mixed feelings from me. I'll miss the naps because there are days they are still needed & a lot of days I need one. On the other hand, no nap will free up the afternoons. Anyway, I digress.

So this particular day's goodness came to a very abrupt end while I was trying to get my lunch on the table. Fortunately I wasn't having to actually cook anything. I was in the middle of making a sandwich, such a novelty in our house but that's another story. While making the sandwich, the curtain hit & hard. Harder, faster than it has before. And seemingly out of the blue. Where on earth was this coming from?

As the curtain fell & I offered up thanks to my kiddo's independence, I crawled into bed & they ate lunch. I tried with all my might to keep an ear open for any type of distress, absolutely hating my body's agenda. Realizing that I should have trusted my gut & been prepared for this episode. Feeling like such a fool... Instead I had wanted so much to believe my OB when she told me I had nothing to be concerned about.

I had been in to see her for my monthly check-up a couple weeks before & we discussed my upcoming Glucose Test & Rhogham shot. I was concerned that the quantity of sugar in the test, blood draw, and shot would be too much on my body for one day. Remembering, one of my main triggers is physical stress. The last time I had blood drawn it set off an episode. I'm very sensitive to side effects of medications ~ the shot potentially. And I've been able to tell a direct correlation with my sugar intake & my seizures (hence the Keto diet). She assured me there was nothing to worry about. That turned out to be so, so very wrong.

I'm not bashing my OB. I actually like her quite a bit. She had told me earlier on that she was not familiar or comfortable dealing with my then ambiguous tremors. We'd since figured out that they are seizures and she's been in contact with my neuro. So, trying to trust & let them do their jobs. Unfortunately that backfired. With my history I should have known better. While I was recovering from that episode, I considered calling the OB & giving her an earful. I was upset & rightly so, I thought.

I slept on it & decided better not to call. What good would it do? If anything it would strain our relationship. She's human & did tell me seizures/tremors is not her "area". She's willing to learn alongside me. But, I wonder if that's good enough. I don't know that I want someone learning with me in the delivery room. I don't take much comfort in that. I would take more solace in being with a doctor that's been through seizures & delivery.

At this point, I am assuming that I will have seizure activity during labor. What could be more physically stressful to a body? I really don't want to jump ship with this OB during the third trimester. And, what are the odds that I'll be able to find one that IS experienced with seizures and will respect my birth plan? I'm not an easy patient under "normal" circumstances. I ask questions - gasp! I want a natural birth. Yes, I do.

And if you're wondering what became of my kid during this - they were a trooper! When finished with lunch, they got an armload of books, came into bed with me & read me stories with a smattering of kugs (hugs & kisses - they love nonsense words) mixed in. After awhile I could tell the curtain wasn't going to lift, so called on a friend to come get my kid to watch for the rest of the day until my husband could pick up on his way home from work.

Times like these it's really hard not to be angry about the car accident that has caused the seizures. The accident wasn't my fault & I continue to be robbed of precious time that I cannot get back. I lose days, time with my family, enjoyment of my hobbies, future concerns about caring for my daughter-to-be. Learning to let go has been challenging, but I know that holding onto the anger won't be beneficial to anyone, especially me.